In my years as a professional counselor and as a teacher/mentor, I have heard comments similar to the following from various ages of women who were seeking fulfillment and significance in their lives:
High school girls: “I do my best to stand up for what is right, but everyone makes fun of me, sometimes even my Christian friends. Does God want me to do this hard thing?”
“I hear in church if I read my Bible and pray I will have this great relationship with God, but I don’t feel like He is even there.”
New mothers: “It seems like I never have time for God and I am too tired to meet with others.” “I always feel guilty”
Older mothers: “I have a family a wonderful husband, but I am so lonely for fellowship and encouragement. Where do I go to find others who want to build a relationship?”
Single women: “If only I were married, then I would feel fulfilled and always have someone who would listen to me.”
“How can I be effective if I don’t have children to whom I can pass on my legacy?”
Older women: “I just wish I could do something that would be important to others now that I have raised my kids.”
“So little is being taught to the young people anymore. How can I make a difference, after all, who will listen to me—I am old.”
These comments reflect individuals eager for answers and longing to have someone listen and understand. As a teacher for two high school classes since 1999 in ChristLIFE ministries, and as a teacher in women’s ministry for many years, I hear the above comments regularly. I have learned through my experiences the importance of establishing individual connections with as many women as possible. These “one on one” mentoring opportunities have produced tremendous spiritual growth in my life, and I have seen God work decisively in the lives of the other women as well.
Scripture commands us to diligently teach God’s principles to the next generation in order that they might come to love Him and serve Him, (see Psalm 78:4-8 and Deuteronomy 6:6-9). While the primary avenue for this instruction should be centered in the home for young people, women of all ages can benefit from mentoring instruction. It has become clear to me in recent years that Biblical mentoring relationships, regardless of the age of the women, provide another avenue through which spiritual truths can be planted and nurtured. Based on my experience, observation and study, I would like to share seven key components of an effective Biblical mentoring relationship between women. These are:
• Component #1 Reach Out
• Component #2 Choose to Invest
• Component #3 Unconditional Acceptance & Love
• Component #4 Be a Transparent Example
• Component #5 Communicate with Purpose
• Component #6 Lovingly Speak the Truth
• Component #7 Encourage Dependence on God—Not You
The commitment level of the women involved in the mentoring process will determine the effectiveness of these relationship components.
Component # 1: A Commitment to Reach Out
Starting with prayer and a desire to minister to others is key in the success of the other six components. Your willingness to give of yourself and to be vulnerable to another woman will establish your availability to mentor. Prayerfully ask God to:
• Show you another woman who needs your gifts, abilities and example. God may lay on your heart and mind someone who is not necessarily just like you, in fact she probably won’t be just like you.
• Give you clear direction as to how and when you can approach this person. (Sometimes a woman will approach you but most often if your heart is centered on ministry, you will need to do the initiating.)
• Prepare spiritually and emotionally to give of yourself to the relationship. Remember everyone has something to share with others. God has already given you this. Spending time with God in His Word and in prayer will give you the direction you are seeking.
Component #2 A Commitment to Invest in Another Woman
To invest in someone means to give “focused attention and quality time for the purpose of building a long term relationship.”
• Mentoring that leads to growth does not happen quickly. Do not become discouraged if someone does not immediately receive and apply everything you are sharing. The role God has given you is to plant and nurture. It is His role in their life to bring about change.
• Mentoring cannot be forced on someone. Prayerfully evaluate how you connect when you initiate your first meetings. Initially plan to meet once or twice to see how you connect. If you sense both of you can connect and grow, continue meeting.
• Mentoring should never be done out of obligation. The woman you are mentoring must sense that you care and are genuinely committed to this relationship. To invest in someone you must be willing to be inconvenienced at times and you must determine to stay committed even if the relationship is challenging.
Component #3 Unconditional Acceptance & Love
Unconditional acceptance is another foundational principle of mentoring, because effective communication can only occur when the woman feels accepted in this way. If the woman feels she must perform or measure up to certain expectations to be accepted by you, the communication will immediately break down.
Loving her unconditionally does not mean you overlook sinful patterns, or refuse to address issues. It is essential that you communicate that you are a secure source of help and encouragement. You do this through your words and actions.
As the mentor you must separate the person’s heart from her behavior. You must choose to love and accept her unconditionally because that is how God loves you. As the mentor you are reflecting God’s love to those you are mentoring.
Component #4 Be A Transparent Example
A crucial part of mentoring is serving as a Godly example to the other woman. Most people become very uncomfortable with this aspect of mentoring. This is primarily because women assume they must achieve some level of perfection in order to be an effective example. Certainly you should be actively pursuing spiritual growth and be submitting to God in an obedient manner; however, all women are in a growth process on this journey of faith. Ted W. Engstrom in his book The Fine Art of Mentoring, says, “mentoring is passing on to others what God has given to you.” This includes not only the gifts and skills you possess, but also your personal experiences and the ways you have seen God work in your life. Passing on to others what God has given to you will happen most effectively as you share in an open and transparent manner. Obviously you want to be sensitive to the age and spiritual maturity of the woman with whom you are sharing. You want to exercise discernment regarding the amount of detail you give especially concerning sensitive issues in your life, and that of your family. However, appropriate and timely transparency is essential because it makes the spiritual concepts you are trying to convey real and practical. This type of sharing also reminds others that you understand their struggles and they in turn will share much more openly with you.
Component #5 Communicating with a Purpose
Mentoring relationships center their attention on spiritual encouragement and personal growth. Although your meetings together need not be formal or rigidly structured, you should always seek to have a goal or focus that you want to address as well as incorporating spiritual truth into your discussions. Before you meet:
• Pray regularly for the person you are mentoring
• Plan to ask for updates regarding situations or issues in her life.
• Prepare a layout of the areas and aspects you want to discuss.
Some mentors choose to establish a format for a meeting such as studying a book together or praying together on a regular basis. Regardless of what you choose, keep your interactions both purposeful and enjoyable.
Component #6 Lovingly Speak the Truth
As you mentor another woman there will doubtless be times when you must challenge her about some aspect of her life. This might involve confronting a sinful behavior pattern, helping her change a wrong thought process, addressing a rebellious attitude or an inappropriate relationship.
As you address an issue:
• Pray and seek guidance from the Lord.
• Be prepared to share Scripture which explains God’s position on the matter,
• Challenge her to consider what needs to be changed
• Help her think through the practical steps of change.
When speaking the truth in love there are some important factors to keep in mind:
• As you introduce the issue for discussion remember the woman may not even be aware of her problem.
• Do not present too much information at one time.
• Keep your comments brief.
• When possible, focus on only one issue at a time.
• Pray with her when you are concluding this part of your meeting and remind her of God’s love and acceptance regardless of her weaknesses.
Remember to affirm your commitment and acceptance to her so she will be able to hear you. Proceed gently and carefully, in this process, but as God directs you, do take stands based on His truth. The person you are mentoring needs you to represent Christ to her in this manner. You may be the only person who has enough of a relationship with her to share truth in this way. When done in love, this can be very beneficial for her growth.
Component #7 Encourage Dependence on God—Not You
A healthy mentoring relationship will always draw the other woman closer to God. Your goal should be to equip her in her growth to the point that she can eventually mentor someone else. Remember, it is God who brings about growth in another woman’s life. Encourage her to pray specifically about personal circumstances. When you feel she is ready, encourage her to find answers in the Bible for herself rather than relying on you to supply them. When you cannot be available to meet, remind her that God is always available to listen and to help. As in the other areas the mindset of dependence on God is something that you need to model for effective mentoring. She needs to understand that your commitment to her will remain constant, but that moment-by-moment guidance is found through a vibrant relationship with God alone.
Conclusion:
Every mentoring relationship is unique because the personalities involved are unique. The seven components are only a framework to consider when establishing such relationships. Certainly there are many more qualities that could be added; however, the issue is not following a prescribed list of criteria, but developing a heart for the growth of others. having a heart that desires to establish a relationship and convey spiritual truths to others.
Let me encourage you to pray and ask the Lord to direct you to someone whom you could mentor. Titus 2:3-5 talks about the older woman teaching the younger. Remember that whatever your age, there is always someone who is younger than you and in need of mentoring. While you wait for the Lord’s timing:
• Keep seeking direction from Him.
• Determine to consistently live as His example before others.
• Look for opportunities where He could use you.
Do not be discouraged if you feel inadequate or ineffective at first. Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
At the right time He will put you in a mentoring capacity if you are open and available to Him.
Amy Brown is on staff as a licensed therapist at Berean Baptist Church, Portage, Michigan. She is single and very active in women’s ministry and counseling. She is available for speaking and counsel by contacting, 269-375-0244 or e-mailing her at abrown@berean-mi.org